Ever Had That “This Is It, It’s Over” Feeling?

maniaA few days ago I started two new meds for a manic episode I had. (Yes, I’m bipolar). People were frowning on the fact that I walked around the streets and parks naked. I can justify that by saying our Digambar monks do it, so why can’t I? Of course, in this society, I could catch an indecent exposure or sexual harassment charge for that, so I told my psychiatrist about it. I also told her I’ve also been climbing the walls and feeling out of control. The meds she put me on were Geodon and Seroquel. I made the mistake of taking two Seroquels on the first day instead of one. I went to bed around 9PM and woke up at 7:30AM. Obviously, two pills were two strong so last night I took just one. It worked fine. As far as the Geodon, I feel a little more balanced, like I’m not going to snap suddenly.


This morning I was sitting in the mall playing a game on this here computer, when out of the blue, I got light-headed and started seeing double. It drove me nuts. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t get my vision realigned. Instinctively, I reached to palpitate my pulse and felt nothing. My blood pressure was so low that the lack of a pulse put me in panic mode. You know what’s the first, and only, thing I thought? That I didn’t have a chance to finish the new book I’m writing. Once I’m done, then yeah, it probably won’t matter so much. But since I’ve already written 212 pages/77,000 words, I might have only two months to go.

The book’s called ‘Murder in Rock & Roll Heaven’. I’m not sure if I’d posted that before; I barely seem to get the time to create new posts these days. The Jain influence in the book is strong, but hopefully, not so strong that it seems like I’m proselytizing, I think this novel has a lot of potential, so chances are, I won’t publish it myself. I’d like to go the way of an established publisher or try to do that Amazon/KDP Select Publishing deal or whatever it’s called. If neither of those pan out I’ll just publish it m’self.

Nikola Tesla

TeslaPortrait1A few years ago, during one of my barnstorming days, I came up with the 71 predictions I’ve listed on this site. One of those predictions is No. 55 – Anywhere Battery Power or Anywhere Power. Little did I know that Nikola Tesla also had that idea back in the 1890’s. Of course, being the super genius that he was, he actually went about designing the circuitry that would make Anywhere Power available to the masses. Of course, if I was General Electric, American Atomics, or Pacific Gas and Electric I’d lace your morning java with strychnine so your free-power invention wouldn’t see the light of day (Hey! A pun from Robin!). And this reminds me of another idea I also had a couple of years ago. I wrote the treatment for a movie about a man who discovered his late father’s design of a car that runs completely on solar power – no electricity, no gas, no methane needed. An attempt is made on the son to shut him up; it fails but lands him in a psych hospital. He eventually escapes from the mad house and turns the tides on those who set him up. I never did finish writing that book because, well, you know, OTHER things got in my way. Doesn’t mean I won’t revisit it, though.

Somewhere along the way I plan to make a post here on The Writings of an American Author called Kindred Spirit: Nikola Tesla. I’ve been studying him and his work lately. Seems like we have a lot in common, down to the fact we share the same birthday. Pretty cool. He was also autistic. When I read more about him, and see the documentaries that doth exist, I’ll write the post. Until then, here’s an update: I started writing a new novel called “Murder in Rock & Roll Heaven” about a month ago. So far I’ve got 120 pages. So, let’s see. This is the end of August. At this rate I should be done by November or December. To expedite it, I’ve cut off my involvement with the world. What I mean by that is I’ve closed my Facebook account, threw my phone away, and barely answer my emails. They were too distracting, and negative, anyway. I’ll rejoin the world when the book is done. Maybe.

My Nightmares Are Driving Me Crazy!

Crips_Bloods-gangThis one is in two parts.

  1. I somehow ended up in a fast food joint where my brothers, Ronnie and Ricky, worked. I told them I don’t know how or why I’m there, but I’m going home (even though I don’t have a clue where home was). The restaurant was in a part of Mt. Vernon, NY I wasn’t familiar with. Ricky told me, “Don’t go outside because the cops are busting people’s chops.” I said, “I just came from outside. There were no cops.” I decided to bounce. Sure enough, as soon as I exit the door, these two policemen standing on the sidewalk turn and yell at me to go back inside, I yelled back, “Alright!” and did what they said. I told my brothers I had to leave one way or another. (At this point the fast food joint turns into their house). Mom was also there, as she always seem to be in my nightmares, and told me to just stay there. Nope. Not gonna happen. I look out the window from the 2nd floor where I was on and I can see people milling about on the street. A few of them were gangstas, but it was broad daylight so I figured I’d chance it. I asked Rick and Ronnie where my home was and they said they didn’t know. I said, “Ok, where’s the Mt. Vernon Public Library?” They both said they didn’t know. The library?! How could they not know where the library was? So I said, “Ok, where’s Gramatan Avenue?” One pointed this way, the other pointed that way. I was, like, what the hell? Which way is Gramatan Ave, but they didn’t know. What?! So I asked them, “Where’s Jasper’s Taxi?” They said they didn’t know. I said, “What the fuck. We’ve been taking that cab for years!” Then I asked them, “Where’s Walbaum’s Supermarket?” They said they didn’t know. Unbelievable! So I exited their apartment. As soon as I got to the street, this gangsta fool comes running up shooting. So I ran behind a dumpster for protection. Sure enough, he started running around the dumpster blasting away. This is the weird part. I started thinking, in my nightmare, “Ah, I won’t get hit because whenever I get these dumb nightmares, I always wake up before something tragic happens.” Not this time. I take a bunch of bullets in my chest and arms THEN I woke up. That was a first.
  2. I went back to sleep and found myself in a gangsta’s den where everyone was playing video games. For some reason, Ihad to lead one of the gang bangers to safety. So, exiting the den, I ambled through a crowd of ghetto folks with this guy following me closely. As soon as I turn a corner, everyone that’s screaming and hauling ass because the police showed up. But they we’re shooting; they were carrying barrels of oil, steaming oil and splashing it on people. Eventually, the cops splashed the oil on the guy I was supposed to protect and burned him up real good. I started thinking, again, “Well, this is just one of my nightmares and I will wake up before I got splashed.” Nope. I got splashed THEN I woke up. So now I’ve been awake since 3AM and will just stay awake. Lizard Boy doesn’t want me to sleep, I guess. The hypervigilance is driving me crazy, though.

Do People NEED to be Ruled?

DictatorsMass peopleI just finished reading an interview on Slate about how Islam could never be secular, could never be liberal. The Arab Spring, for instance, was a chance to turn power back to the people. It failed, and those countries are back to being how they were. It said that Tunisia is a promising notion, that they could move towards secularism. But then, you have lots of young Tunisians, the future of Tunisia, fighting with ISIS. In other words, it’s just a matter of time before even Tunisia turns into Libya, Iran, Turkey, etc. That’s the Muslim concept. South Korea is secular and their system works. North Korea, having the same peoples, is a failure. Their people defect every so often and let the world know how corrupt their country is. Here’s the thing: if there is, within us, an instinctual quest for power, like it’s hardwired in our brains somewhere, we will always need to be kept in check lest one party conquers the other with impunity.

I brought this us because I was thinking about a Jain world. I know everyone says their religion is the best, and I’m not claiming Jainism is the best, but the fundamental thrusts of our behavior is vastly different than a lot of religions and, in that sense, governments.

Firstly, Jainism is self-ruled. You are responsible for your altitude, not an imam, or priest, or rabbi, or cardinal, or Pope or, by extension, a president, Party Chairman or royalty.

Secondly, Jainism is non-violent, that means no harboring of ill will towards your neighbors – none, zero, zip. All your guns, your tanks, your whips, your bombs will be placed in a rocket and shot out into space where it’ll float around in space endlessly. Or destroyed in a huge bonfire, whichever is safest.

Thirdly, and this is probably the most important which, by the way, is the most improbable – all Jains are equal. We seek no power over each other. That’s the part I’m wondering about – are we NOT hardwired for equality? I’d hate to imagine a world of Jains at each others’ throats. That’s not even a perversion of Jainism. Plain and simply, it is NOT Jainism at all. You know, in Jainism, we say: Non-violence and kindness to living beings is kindness to oneself. Maybe we don’t like ourselves that much? Just curious.

Follow the Leader


Genghis Khan

Ever played that game, Follow the Leader? I never did because I don’t recognize leaders. Let me explain. How is it that one authoritarian figure can convince a group of people that the village or lands of X, Y and Z need to be conquered, usurped and/or destroyed? Why capitulate to the evil caprices of a dictator? What’s to be gained from it? If I was born during the times of, say, Genghis Khan, I would’ve been one of the first dissenters executed. I think this is probably related to being autistic, too. Leaders? Sorry. Not for me. I’m not part of your social hierarchy and could never be if I tried. I march to the beat of just one drummer, the one in my head.  I will challenge your authority till you get so tired of me you’ll cut off my head and place it on a stake for your minions to see. You’re smart, but not that smart. I will be one of the intellectuals you bury in the Killing Fields of Cambodia. I will be one of the intellectuals you gas at Dachau in WWII. I will not go quietly in the night. Follow you? I’d rather shove spears through my crotch than capitulate to your nonsense.

Tears of a Clown

Tears of a ClownI published the novella “Tears of a Clown” this morning on Amazon. “Tears” used to be a horror screenplay; it still is, but I’ve since fleshed it out and turned it into a novella. I wrote this when I was in Hollywood. I think it was the 4th or 5th script I’d written. The story came together pretty quickly and the screenplay took 4 days to write. Of course, it’s went through several renditions over the years. I hope the book doesn’t give anyone nightmares.

Speaking of which – I had another one last night; not as bad as last week’s, but still annoying. It’s kinda funny I’d have them, given how long I’ve been homeless in the street. Anyway, it is what it is. I think it’ll be the last piece of fiction I’ll write for a while. I have a few ideas for my next book but I don’t know how feasible they are. Chances are I’ll eat my words and go back to fiction if I don’t accumulate enough material for the non-fiction material.