Walking Around Talking To Myself

I was in a weird, crazy mood yesterday. I walked around the city for miles talking loudly to myself. I think I did it for attention or to gauge people’s expressions. It was actually kind of fun. People stepped out of the way to avoid me or looked at me like I was, well, crazy. Maybe I am losing it. A few days ago I was offered black tar heroin in a homeless camp in Chinatown. I didn’t take it but at least I know it’s there. As a heroin OD is sure to result in death, I’ve been considering it lately. I guess I’m relieve that I’ve found a good way to go. I’ve been trying my best to stay afloat despite this crippling depression that weighs like a ton of bricks on my head. I’ve borrowed some foreign films from the libraries. They’ve been pretty good so far. No disappointments in the bunch. I really do need to get myself under control but I just don’t know how.

Downtown Seattle Living

I’ve moved in temporarily to an aPODment on First Hill in Spruce Park. It’s a pretty quiet area and is near medical centers like Swedish, Harborview, and so on. An aPODment, for those who don’t know, is basically an SRO – Single Room Occupancy type of deal. You get a bathrooom but no kitchen. It’s a very small studio that comes with a bed, microwave, shelves, and triangular desk. The utilities, as well as internet, is included in the price. The price is $775. Mine is being paid through the HEN (Housing & Essential Needs) program. I’ll have the apartment for three months because that is when HEN expires. August 31 will be my last day there. (I wasn’t eligible for a HEN extension because DSHS’ doctor claims my continued disability rises to the level of requiring SSD and therefore I should go to the ABD (Aged, Blind & Disabled) program. This means I’ll be homeless, once again, from September 1 till my SSD kicks in which should be around January 2015 – if it kicks in, that is. In other news, I visit a therapist every two weeks and see a psychiatrist once a month. My depression hasn’t abated, though. I think about suicide constantly. Sometimes I make concrete plans to end it. The best one I’ve come up with so far is to buy heroin from the street, cook it, and overload my system with it. Last year there were 99 heroin OD’s resulting in death in Seattle alone so I know it’s possible. There were probably more deaths from heroin than from jumping off bridges or standing in front of moving trains. I apologize for this post being so depressing and negative. I just needed to get all these feelings off my chest as it becomes unbearable sometimes.