Should I sit and wait for my ship to come in? That won’t work. It’d be better to throw a lasso around a vessel and pull for dear life.
I’ll admit it here: there are traditions and objects in American culture that mystifies me, perplexes me and just plain doesn’t allow me to wrap my head around it, and that would be comfort foods. I’ve never understood that concept. Comfort foods. What is that? Food that makes you comfortable as opposed to discomfort or uncomfortable foods? I can just imagine me being in a restaurant saying, “Waiter, give me a slice of pizza covered in stones.” Then, when I’m sitting there spitting out pieces of my teeth, I can successfully say my meal is truly uncomfortable. Still though, comfort foods. Is it supposed to comfort me? “Oh, waiter, my girlfriend of ten years that I had poured my heart and trust into broke up with me today. And to add insult to injury, she ran off with my best friend. Give me a bowl of your comfortable beef barley soup.” As I’m sitting there diving through the soup I guess I’m supposed to be comforted by it. That’s good. It’ll definitely save me money on a psychotherapist or a hitman.
Hey, Big Boy!
I knew that, someday, I’d pay for my sedentary, pawn my bicycle, lifestyle. I’m not saying that I’m pleasingly plump, but I can definitely stand to lose a few. How do you know when it’s time to pay a visit to the local gym?
You pull down your pants to take a leak and you can’t see where the urine is flowing from.
You get charged for two seats on an airplane.
When you get on a kneeling bus it doesn’t un-kneel.
Owners of buffet restaurants see you coming and quickly change the door sign to ‘Closed For Renovation.’
Your seatbelt feels like a noose around your body.
You have to start drilling new holes in your belt so it will fit.
You get on a roller coaster and it goes nowhere.
People guiltily smile at you as they’re stepping off the sidewalk to give you room to pass.
You get discounts from Roto Rooter because you use their services more than anyone in your zip code.
Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are your nicknames.
When you walk over to the public pool people haul ass.
Your treadmill has an indicator that says “I surrender.”
That outdoor tent you had as a child can now be used as a sweat suit.
You use the wall to scratch your back.
A barber, a congressman and a nun walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What is this? A joke?”
Buddha was a cad, wasn’t he? Short and stout with an enormous beer belly, he nevertheless had enough time to impart words of wisdom to his followers. His positivity, unfortunately, is sometimes lost on pessimists. And sometimes, no matter how hard poor Buddha tried, his messages just don’t get through. I now present to you some nuggets of wisdom from the round bellied master and the retorts from his detractor.
- Buddha says: Meditate or do Yoga.
- Mr. Grumpy says: Meditation and Yoga in a public gym is expensive, not everyone has the body for it, and you risk having your home broken into while you’re sitting cramped up in a lotus position.
- Buddha says: Smile.
- Mr. Grumpy says: Smile at strangers and you’ll get strange stares. Smile at children and you’ll get locked up. Smile at muggers and you’ll end up in the ER.
- Buddha says: Surround yourself with positive people.
- Mr. Grumpy says: “Positive” means “annoying.” “Positive” means “self righteous.” Surrounding yourself with annoying, self righteous people will make you lose your mind.
- Buddha says: Change the tone of your thoughts from negative to positive.
- Mr. Grumpy says: If you suddenly decide to change your car battery’s polarity from negative to positive, you’ll blow half the fuses and the power options won’t work.
- Buddha says: Don’t play the Victim. You create your life – take responsibility.
- Mr. Grumpy says: Playing Victim has it rewards, like government assistance.
- Buddha says: Take the focus away from you and do something nice for a person.
- Mr. Grumpy says: Being nice makes you exploitable because in modern times it’s seen as a sign of weakness.
- Buddha says: Remember that no one is perfect and let yourself move forward.
- Mr. Grumpy says: The road to move forward on is paved with loose gravel that spits rocks into your windshield.
- Buddha says: Sing.
- Mr. Grumpy says: If anyone sang like him they’d get shot.
- Buddha says: List five things that you are grateful for right now.
- Mr. Grumpy says: Okay. That’s easy – I’m not being sucked into a powerful eddy, I’m not running out of oxygen on the International Space Station, I’m not expected to deliver toys down chimneys using a caravan of deer, I’m not facing extradition from a foreign country for divulging state secrets and I don’t have to run past a fire-breathing dragon on my way to work every day.
- Buddha says: Read positive quotes.
- Mr. Grumpy says: The last positive quote he read made him nauseous. The quote? “Always Be Yourself” from martial arts master Bruce Lee. Why does Mr. Grumpy call this the Worst. Advice. Ever? He says that if he spoke awkwardly in social meetings, ate and drank like a bellicose king and comforted himself by shaking his limbs, people would go jumping out of windows to get away from him.
Note: “aspie” is the shortened term for Asperger’s Syndrome. Sitting smack dab in the middle of the Autism Spectrum, aspies are quite known for making light of their own condition. An ‘NT’ is someone who is not on the spectrum, that is, neurotypical or the general population.
Three Aspies Walk Into A Bar
They are Argumentative Aspie, Passive Aspie and Persecution Complex Aspie.
Argumentative Aspie: Why are we in this bar? This place sucks! Passive Aspie: It’s not so bad. I’ve been here before and the bartenders are pretty attentive. Persecution Complex Aspie: I hope nobody picks on me or starts a fight with me.
Argumentative Aspie: What kind of drinks are we getting? I’m not sure I even trust the cleanliness of this place. Passive Aspie: Everybody’s drinking and no one seems to be complaining or getting sick. Persecution Complex Aspie: I’ll bet they’ll say my ID is fake because I look so young!
Argumentative Aspie: I’m going over to the jukebox to pick some better songs. I can’t stand what they’re playing now. Passive Aspie: I think the music is okay. It doesn’t bother me. Persecution Complex Aspie: I wouldn’t mind dancing but these people will just laugh at me.
Argumentative Aspie: Why’d I let you guys talk me into this place? It’s noisy, dark and reeks of sweat and alcohol. Passive Aspie: Oh, come on. Lighten up and try to have a good time. If you can’t, just pretend. Persecution Complex Aspie: I think that guy in the corner is staring at me. Is that a security guard? Maybe he’s from the liquor board!
Argumentative Aspie: Who’s gonna pay for these drinks? It wasn’t my idea to come here. By the way, this beer sucks. Passive Aspie: I think since we’re three adults we should chip in three-way. It’s only fair. Persecution Complex Aspie: Oh no! I’ll pay! It’s my fault that everyone isn’t happy.
Argumentative Aspie: Well, goodnight all. I’m going home and rewind from this dreadful experience. I had to catalog my foreign stamp collection anyway. Passive Aspie: Bye everyone. Next time we’ll put our heads together and think of a better place to hang out. Persecution Complex Aspie: Maybe next time we’ll just sit on my front porch and drink lemonades. I feel safe there and I’ve never seen a black helicopter hover overhead.
Three aspies walk into a bar. The first one says, “Hey bartender, it’s too bright in here. Can you turn the lights down a few lumens?” The second one says, “It’s too noisy in here. Can you tell everyone to lower their voices just a few decibels?” The third one says, “Bartender, instead of pool and darts, do you have logic puzzles or word games?” The angry barkeep looks at them and says, “What is this? A joke? Maybe you three should visit the library!” “We did,” the first one admitted, “but they told us to go to hell.”
How many aspies does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to determine the efficacy of fluorescent lighting vs the possibility of electromagnetic radiation. One to decide whether to buy it online or scour the local hardware stores for discounts. One to research the depth of force, using theoretical applications of Newton’s 2nd Law of Motion, to ensure the correct pressure in screwing the bulb in.
Overheard at the medical clinic yesterday.
NT: Knock, knock.
Aspie: Why are you saying that?
NT: It’s the beginning of a joke, Roger. You’re supposed to say, “who’s there?”
Aspie: But I know who you are. You’re my friend Simon and you gave me a lift down here.
NT: Yes, but I’m trying to tell a joke. It requires some back and forth from me and you.
Aspie: You need me to tell your joke back to you?
NT: No. I need you to just play along with me till I get to the punch line.
Aspie: So what do you want me to do?
NT: When I say “knock, knock” you ask “who’s there?” Understand?
NT: Knock, knock.
Aspie: Who’s there?
Aspie: Your name is Simon.
NT: I know, Roger. When I say “Iona” you’re supposed to ask “Iona who?”
Aspie: I am? That doesn’t make sense. I’ve known you since high school.
NT: It’s part of the joke. Can’t you just humor me?
Aspie: Humor you? Aren’t you the one who’s telling the joke?
NT: Oh, my goodness! You’re giving me a stroke! Can’t you just play along?
Aspie: Alright! Geez, for someone who’s supposed to be telling a joke you don’t seem all that funny.
NT: Okay. Can we start again? No interruptions?
NT: Knock, knock.
Aspie: Who’s there?
Aspie: Iona who?
NT: I own a brand new car. You wanna ride?
Aspie: Your car’s not new. It’s a fifteen year old Chevy Malibu with a dent on the hood.
NT: Have a nice bus ride back home.
Have you read the new fairy tale? It’s called Snow White & the Seven Aspie Dwarfs. Who are these magnificent seven?
1. Stimmy – Doesn’t sit at the table with the others because he uncontrollably waves his hand a lot and sometimes inadvertently knocks the pot of soup onto the floor.
2. Creepy – Not the most popular dwarf, he makes Snow White nervous with his constant piercing stares, inappropriate language and frequent references to ogres no one sees but him.
3. Skepty – The skeptical one of the bunch, he doesn’t believe anything anyone says. He walks with a limp because he didn’t believe Stimmy when he was told a wild boar was right behind him.
4. Doc – Possessing a weak stomach, Doc was always the first one to faint at the sight of blood. “What kind of doc are you?” Snow White once asked. “I’m a theoretical physicist,” he answered, “not a surgeon!”
5. Sad Sack – Generally depressed, Sad Sack sleeps most of the day. This makes the others angry because he doesn’t complete his chores and spends his waking hours asking himself, “why me?”
6. Smarty – This dwarf thinks he knows everything. He once tried to outsmart a wolf by telling it that it suffered from persecutory delusion. The twenty stitches Smarty received on his behind took months to heal.
7. Windy – So called because his answers to simple questions often turn into lengthy, long-winded explanations that sometimes fail to address the original question.
An aspie walks into a bar…literally. Absorbed by his new cellphone, he absent mindedly bloodies his forehead and knees against the bar’s external brick wall.