The Truth Has Failed Me, So Now Comes The Lies.

The Undisputed Truth: I have a brain I cannot control. It thinks too much. It keeps me up at night. It thinks only in extremes – either this or that. No exceptions. My thoughts race and race and race like cars on a speedway. Sitting here trying to watch a movie all the way through is impossible because I have to stop and do something, anything, as inactivity is torturous to me. I find it hard to focus and concentrate on anything for long periods of time because I just can’t slow down. I’ve related my condition to therapists, doctors, psychiatrists and other people for years, but no one has helped. None, zero, zip. They still throw their ineffective panaceas at me. To wit: “Hey Robin, try mindfulness therapy. It works for millions.” “Hey Robin, take these pills. They work for millions.” “Hey Robin, put down the alcohol and try AA and NA. They work for millions.” “Hey Robin, if you don’t go to your Substance Use Disorder groups, I’ll relate that information to DSHS and they’ll discontinue the tiny pittance they give you every month, which means you’ll have to kiss your car goodbye. So go to your groups. They work for millions.” “Hey Robin, try these deep-breathing exercises to clear your mind. They work for millions.”

The Bold-Faced Lies: I’ve gotten blue in the face several times relating the truth to people, but I’ve failed. They don’t get how my sleepless mind works, and consequently, they try to change it. But they fail. Miserably. In the end, all they end up doing is pissing me off more, forcing me to isolate. However, since I need people because they’re a threat to the small ABD (Aged, Blind & Disabled) monthly pittance ($197) I receive, I have no choice but to resort to bold-faced lies so I can get some peace. To wit: “Robin, have you stopped your drinking?” “Yes.” “Are you taking your meds?” “Yes.” “And do they work?” “They work fine. I’m able to sleep at night, I no longer have night terrors, they have reduced my anxiety to the point where I feel normal, and I am able to sit and watch movies all the way through.” “What about the NA and AA groups? Are you going to those?” “Yes, I am.” “Are they helping?” “Yes, they are. They’ve reduced my desire to drink and drug.” “Are you working the steps?” “Of course.” “So you have a sponsor?” “Yes, I do. He understands me well.” “What about meditation and mindfulness training? Are you doing those?” “Yes.” “Are they helping you cope with life?” “Yes. I wish I had been doing those activities before.” “I take it you no longer isolate?” “Yeah, I’ve stopped that. I’ve made great friends in the wonderful groups, and my therapy is wonderful, and my psych meds are wonderful, and the world is warm and sunny and helpful and wonderful to me. I’m truly as happy as a pig in shit. Isn’t that wonderful?” “Yes, it is. Robin, I’m glad we’ve had this interview. I’m glad to see you’ve been cured.” “Sure, no problem. They pleasure was all mine.” “Wonderful.”

My Kindred Spirit: Nikola Tesla

TeslaPortrait1I’d been meaning to write this post for some time but I was busy completing ‘Murder in Rock & Roll Heaven.’ Now that I have a little down time, I figured I’d talk about what I have in common with Brother Tesla. To wit:

1. Same birthday – July 10
2. Same mental health issues – Autism, depression, OCD, sleep-deprived psychosis
3. Same marital status – both single, and same level of sexual activity – asexual
4. Same intense preoccupation with multiple interests. Our difference is I lean towards the arts and he towards electricity although we do cross when it comes to deep interests in inventions (I designed a perpetual machine but haven’t physically realized it. I also designed guitars).
5. Both of us are loners
6. Both of us are highly misunderstood
7. Both of us are visionaries (see my website for a list predictions)
8. Both of us are closer to animals, birds specifically, than other humans
9. Both of us are alcoholics although Tesla stopped as he got older because he wanted to live to see 100.
10. Both of us are immigrants to the US
11. Both interested and practiced in Jain, or Jain-type, philosophy.
12. Both occasionally speak and write in 3rd person.
13. Both have lucid dreams and suffer from bizarre, frightening nightmares

As far as bizarre behaviour is concerned, I really need to keep mine in check. So far, in the past month, I’ve walked naked into a supermarket to shoplift food, break into a church, scaled the ‘no trespassing’ fence at the police station, traipse naked down the street and into public parks, locked my keys in my car, break into a newly-developed apartment complex to try and sleep (I did, for about one hour, couldn’t continue because it was freezing cold outside and their heating system was non-functional), etc. I did spend three days in a crisis center. Of course, that stay was too short to fix me. My therapist now admits that I’m too difficult a client and doesn’t know what to do with me. Both she and my psychiatrist suggest hospitalization. I don’t think that’d do any good because of the constant war raging in my hand – Pre vs Lizard Boy (my logical pre-frontal cortex vs my super emotional, Spider Sense-having, overprotective amygdala).

The week was wrapped up by my one day stay in a local ER where I was given an IV and a bettery of tests, including an abdominal CT scan. I have a small renal cyst. The intense, cramping pain that sent to there in the first place was probably due to eating days-old string cheese I’d forgotten in my trunk.